When Coping Looks Like Laughing

I’m the kind of person who sometimes laughs at the “wrong” times.

At funerals. During prayers. In moments that feel heavy or uncomfortable.
And for a long time, I didn’t understand why.

It’s not because I don’t care.
It’s not because I’m disconnected.

It’s because, in those moments, I don’t feel safe enough to show what I’m actually feeling.

Laughter becomes a way to protect myself—
a way to deflect, to soften the intensity, to avoid judgment or unwanted reactions.

I consider myself emotionally intuitive and self-aware.
But that doesn’t mean I’m perfect or unaffected by my past.

Through experience, I learned that my emotions weren’t always safe to express.

Logically, I know that isn’t true.
My emotions are valid. I deserve to feel them fully and freely.

But emotionally, my body remembers something different.

Because of that, I often save my emotions for when I’m alone.

In the quiet of my home.
In the shower.
In the moments where I know no one is watching.

That’s where I let myself feel everything—fully, honestly, without holding back.

That’s where it feels safe.

Over time, I’ve come to understand that this is a trauma response.

It was shaped by messages like:

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “Why do you care so much?”

• “It’s not that big of a deal.”

But the truth is—when I feel, I feel deeply.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Healing has meant learning to honor that part of myself instead of hiding it.

It’s meant being intentional about who I allow close to me.
Setting boundaries with people who don’t understand—yes, even family.
And choosing environments where I feel emotionally safe.

I’ve learned to protect my energy.
To step away from people who drain me.
And to choose myself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

So yes—sometimes I laugh when it doesn’t seem to fit the moment.

Not because I’m okay.
But because, in that moment, it doesn’t feel safe not to.

And later, when I’m alone, I give myself permission to feel what was there all along.

To cry.
To process.
To release.

This is what coping has looked like for me.

And slowly, I’m learning that I don’t have to wait until I’m alone to feel safe in my emotions.